PRACTICAL STEPS BY STEPS FOR A HEALTH AND HAPPY MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP PA

 Before I speak about this topic Marriage/relationship  I would like you to honestly answer this question.

If you are a business man and you need an advice or training for your business to grow and make more profit, who are you going to follow? A person who has Read and studied 700 books on business or a person who has done 700 business deals.

I know in reality you will follow a person who has done 700 business deals because knowledge always follow experience not other way round.

So, if you are looking for avenue to have a glorious relationship/marriage would you prefer to seek marriage counseling from people that doesn't have the practical experience of what it takes to have one but have read thousands upon thousands of books on good relationship or a person that you can see having a peaceful family not stories. I know your answer will be to learn from those that has got the visible practical experience.

My writing on marriage/relationship  is not going to be based on knowledge I have acquired through reading books on relationship/ marriage but will be based on my personal experience and I know it will be of great value to you.I will be ready to offer unto you an online counseling on marriage if you need one.

 I would like us to go On a journey to learn about the principles to have a successful and happy RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE

You may have read so many books about how to have a successful and happy marriage or relationship and all the suggested solutions might not have Worked for you.

I will like to share my practical experience with you having been married for thirty seven years (37) and have grown to become a happy blessed family that friends, neighbors, and acquaintance are praying to have.

Is it all roses from the beginning to this moment, the answer is No,

Did we have argument and disagreement, the answer is Yes.  Have we passed through pains, Persecution, fears and discouragement,the answer is  capital Yes. . 

Do we have all the money and luxuries that brought about this success, the answer is No.

I am going to show you Step by step practical experience that have kept us going since all these years, and that is still keeping us going strong and radiating with joy and confidence to face tomorrow.

The first thing I want you to understand  Is that marriage is a great work, it is not a child play,it is not for a chicken hearted person.

 You must be ready to put in every strength you have to make it work, both parties.It is a life time training school that you keep on learning, you don't graduate out of it until death.

 You may be thinking or saying, relationship/marriages  are not the same,we have different characters, yes I agree with you but one thing I know is  that  relationship/marriage is based on principles,and I was practicing those principles without Knowing that it was a principle laid down by God for a successful Marriage or relationship.

Whosoever practice it will have a great and a successful marriage. A successful relationship/marriage does not require a big house,a perfect spouse,a million dollars or an expensive car.You can have the entire above and still have a miserable marriage/relationship.

A successful relationship/marriage requires honesty, undying commitment,and selfless love and Jesus at the centre of it all 

MY BACKGROUND

I came from a polygamous house where I witnessed a first hand pain of miserable marriage/Relationship. My late father was a military officer in the Nigeria army but was fond of keeping many women, My mother happened to be the first wife With three children and other women didn't have any child for him. After I have grown up he married a young lady from Akwa Ibom state in Nigeria, which gave birth to thirteen children for him.

During my elementary school, Precisely when I was in primary three, I witnessed a serious marriage abuse where my father usually beat my mother and my mother will carry me with her to sleep in neighbor's house till the other day. After witnessing my father's beating my mother, on the third occasions,  I asked her the reason she never attempted to go and live with her relatives, she responded that if she tried it all her children would suffer even non of my father's relative came to her rescue in exception of his first cousin who was not always staying in the town then.

 It happened that I was the only child living with her then I held her hands and I made a promise to her that If I live and  grew up I will take care of her and make her forget all those pains.

Truly, God help me, when I grew up I took her with me, my siblings were jealous of me taking care of her as she was with me for twenty three (23) years before she departed from this world gloriously, the reason I didn't seek help from any of my sibling for her well-being was because of my promise to her that I will easy her of her pain and persecution which I never believed any one of them were aware of or they just decided to turn their eyes away.

Immediately I made this promise to her I also made up my mind from there and then that I will never beat my wife and that all children that God will give to me, I will love them and do everything possible to educate them to any level they wants because my own father never care about my own education..There I prayed asking God to give me a wife that will help me to fulfill my destiny, mainly to take care of my mother and never provoke me to the level of hitting her.I never knew then that I have a call.
So the first principles I discovered that help me to have a successful relationship/marriage till this moment are GOD, VISION and MISSION.
I didn't married because I was forced to marry or because it was a trend then. I married because I have a vision and a mission.
The place of God in this
God is the author of Marriage, he instituted the first marriage in the garden of Eden. In Genesis 1 Verse 18 God said That : it is not good that man should be alone. I would make him a help meet for him.Get that adjective and hold on to it, HELP MEET not HELP MATE.I will talk about that as we  move on in this journey.
I didn't have deeper knowledge or understanding of the bible then but with the little knowledge I knew, seen my mother praying to God and attending church on a regular basis as a member of the Anglican church then,I asked God to give me a wife that will help  Me to fulfill my destiny,1 John 3: 22b ( and whatsoever we ask, we receive of him.) also Matthew 7 chapter  verse 8 said ( every one that asked received).God does not joke with his word and his principle either you are a believer or not whatever you ask for you will receive it, if you don't ask you don't receive.
I don't know what level you are in your marriage or relationship now if you need sweetness,   understanding, happiness or a new beginning  talk to God ask him for it.

If  You have a car that need a repair and you go to your mechanic, he will also go to spare parts dealer and buy that parts that he could find that can fit in at least for a while  in your vehicle and fix it, you may use the vehicle for a while before running back to him for another repairs,but if you need a permanent solution you approach the manufacturer who will replace the worn out part with original part that is recommended for your vehicle and it will become new again.
Your pastor,marriage counselor are like the mechanic for your vehicle,they are trying, giving you advice based on what they have read but going to God directly in prayer you will receive first hand answer because he is the only one that knows the purpose and the reason for bringing you and your spouse together.
Like I said earlier, if you didn't have a vision and mission before you ventured into marriage, you can set one for your marriage/relationship now and work on it, it is your vision and your mission other people's voice or opinions does not matter..
My vision was to married a woman that we help me fulfil my destiny and have a happy and successful family where everyone relate in love and have a sense of belonging thereby making every members a contributors to the achievement of the vision.This was what propel all my activities within that institution called Marriage.

Am not going to base my advice on what I read in a book but on my personal practical experience of all the principles I Applied unknowingly that it was God's principles for a successful marriage/relationship.

Let us move on, this time on how I met the lady that becomes my wife for the past 37years.
I was not a saint nor a pastor when I met her, I was that normal rascal boy who has developed some youthful characters as a result of association, characters associated to my age group then.It was a thing of competition among male colleagues to have so many beautiful ladies as a girl friends, I had then 5 beautiful girl friends, so I was not a virgin because there was no training or talk on the value of being one then,but thank God I am able to raised virgin as biological children and spiritual children bring to reality the promises of God as in Isaiah 54:13( And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord,and great shall be the peace of thy children).and Isaiah 8:18 ( Behold,I and the children whom the Lord hath given me are for signs and for wonders---------).I will speak later on how I relate with my children for your benefits also.
After graduating from higher institution in Nigeria, there is a one year compulsory assignment to serve our nation known as NATIONAL YOUTH SERVICE CORPS ( NYSC). I was posted to plateau state and after the first one month orientation I was posted to one insurance brokers for my primary assignment, before the commencement, we were given few weeks as leave to travel back home and relax,after this period of holiday, it was time to return back to Jos for my primary assignment and I told one of my colleagues who we were both serving in Jos that we should go by train as against going by air, to go by air will take us 30minutes by train was 3days, I wanted to explore the journey on train since I have never experienced it before.As we join the train we discovered that on the coach we join were all full of corpers like us going back to their various places of assignment, it was an exciting feeling, we left the station in Ido, Lagos state by 5.00pm that faithful day, one of my girlfriend decided to accomplished me and dropped at Osogbo to greet her mother, so she was sitting beside me on the coach.I had a lots of indoor games that I gave out for others to play, like, scramble, whot, card,ludo,etc, so our coach was so lively.
After some time,I stood up telling my other colleagues that I wanted to see how other coaches look like, as I moved through the first and second coaches and come to the third coach I just saw this beautiful young lady sitting among traders and look lonely there,I was curious to asked her where she was heading to and she said Jos and I asked if she won't mind to join graduate like her in the other coach where I was, rather than just sitting lonely, she agreed to follow me,as she got to my coach she saw the lifely young boys and girls there and I offered her my seat, after a few minutes I asked if she would love to relocate to our side and she replied in affirmative,so three other people followed her to her formal coach to carry her loads and brought them to our side and the journey continues,I had nothing in my mind then concerning her, I was just being friendly as that was my nature, Moreover I was having my girl friend with me who I have thought I was going to marry, so the idea of seeking for a new girl friend was not in my mind.

 My then girl friend dropped at Osogbo, a city in Nigeria at the night period, this gave me an opportunity to sit closer to her and started sharing humorous jokes among ourselves. The journey took us three good days.As we were approaching Jos town in the night the weather became so cold and everyone was shivering, for the fact that I have been used to Jos climate I had a lots of heavy sweater and suits with me, I therefore gave her some of these my suits and sweater with heavy hand gloves and stockings to cover herself up. On getting to Bukuru a town where she was going,she intended removing all those clothes to return them to me, I told her to keep it and can return them anytime she would be coming to Jos township.I gave her my friend office address which was the next building to mine.As she dropped she bade us goodbye and we continue with our journey to Jos.

Two weeks later, on Monday afternoon, my friend came to my office and said the lady I gave my suits to was in her office,she brought my clothes,washed, ironed and we'll parked.She knelt down with genuine heart of appreciation, I was overwhelmed,because that was almost the first time in my life seen anyone appreciating me like that ,before this time everyone around me made me have the believe that they were entitled to whatever I was doing for them.That little appreciative attitude of her made me want to render more help, so I asked where she was working,she was just looking for a place so together with my friend we promised to help her search for a place within Jos. After she left we started contacting friends and offices we had friends in Jos for available vacancy, as God would have it the Alhaji that owned my friend's company needed more employee and we approached him, she was called for interview and was later employed there.

My friend was the first person that made a shocking comment when he came to my office that we should go for lunch together, he said, your wife wanted to take us out for lunch and I told him I had nothing in mind for her, that day was the beginning of our closeness as we three started going out everyday for lunch. This particular faithful day as we were sharing jokes together, I just looked straight into her eyes and said to her do you know I am beginning to fall in love with you, can you be my lover? She was cold and quiet, I quickly apologized and I said I didn't mean to be rude or take advantage of our closeness, she laughed and we started relating in the usual way.I invited her for Saturday outing at Jos park, from there I reinstated my interest and she replied that she would have love to be but she had a lots of unfavourable stories and won't want to lie to me, she told me all her life stories, her family and that being from Muslim background it might not be easy for me to cope.I saw the sincerity in her, this her openness increased my interest the more, I now replied to her that no man on earth is perfect and none without a past,This is another principle for a happy and successful marriage/relationship, 

SINCERITY AND HONESTY.Some people entered into relationship in a deceit, not  knowing that it will one day be known to the other party, then it would have been too late for any explanation to be given, this is one of the reason for divorce.

With my years of experience in marriage contrary to the popular belief that the success of a marriage depend on the woman, I will echo it loud and clear that the highest percentage of the responsibility for a successful and happy marriage is in the hand of the man,though the woman also has a part to play, Ephesians 5:23 (for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church and he is the savior of the body ).This statement is very loaded and need careful attention so as to understand the responsibility that God has given to the man for a marriage/relationship .Let us look at what make up the head.the head consist of the brain, the hair, the eyes, the ears, the mouth, the teeth and the tongue.what are the functions of all these parts of the head:
THE BRAIN
This is the organ inside the head that controls the movement,  thought,memory and feelings, usually, the ability to learn quickly and think about things in a logical and intelligent way is the brain.So as a result, it is the responsibility of the man to get an understanding on how to Control the movement,  thought, memory and feelings of your wife and children.In my own life practical experience I achieved all these not by domineering attitude or by commanding but by total expression of love and appearance that led them to have a total believe and trust in my judgment.They have come to the conclusion that all that I do or say were all for their good.They realized  that I sacrificed for their success and happiness and in returns to this I enjoyed total peace of mind and support of all of them, my wife and my children.
THE HAIR
The major function of the hair is the protection against external factors, stabilizing the temperature of the brain, it protects our bodies from harmful objects, hairs identifies you.You must be that type of man that will never allow his wife and children to be evil spoken of.If you want the best from me just love my family, I can not tolerate any insult on any of them from any quarter and for year's I have seen both my wife and children responding same way to any one that try to insult my personality.
THE EYES.
This is the organ you see with, have you notice that when your wife has dressed up and check through the mirror and she feel she is okay to go out and she ask you how she looks and you by chance make any negative compliment about her dress, no matter what she feel about that dress, without you asking her to go and change it, she won't go out with that dress that day, the reason is that she sees you as the eyes to show her the way.This has been built in marriage by God and you don't achieve this level of trust until you have paid your dues as a man of the house, this is not by commanding, shouting, beating or coarcing. If you are in the habit of beating your wife or shouting at her before she obeys you definitely you have lost your headship in that marriage.To get to this level of your wife obeying you out of love and respect you must have earned a negative names from those that had a failed marriage, they will call you woman wrapper, jelly man, one thing I have come to realised on this institution called marriage is that those accusing you of being soft on your wife wants the type of family you have but can not pay the price they were afraid or a shame of what people will say.I know it is not an easy task but it pays at the end.Beating or shouting at your wife does not make her to fear you, it only make her to see your weakness and you are by so doing giving your power to her, believe me at your old age if she is still with you, she will pays you back in your own coins, by then it will be too late to correct your ways
.THE EARS
One English dictionary described an ear as an ability to recognize and copy well.As a man do you hear or recognized the sound of any danger or prosperity that you warn your wife about.This is one of your duty as the head of the family.
THE MOUTH
This is the organ use for speaking, some men mouth are feel with poison like that of a serpent , the Bible admonished us to be fast to hear and slow to speak. As the head of your family you are everything to your wife, you are the thermometer that control the temperature of your house, you need the wisdom of God to live with a woman peacefully.
ADVICE
There is a fundamental error couples need to correct to have a successful and happy marriage/relationship. As a husband the most important person in your life should be your wife and vice versa, it can not be your kids, your extended family, or your friends. Your kids are a product of the marriage, if you take care of each other very well, your kids will grow up healthy, happy,  and well- adjusted but if you ignore each other, brace yourself up for dysfunctional kids in the future. The two of you are the foundation of your family. If you suffer any crack, the whole house will go down. psalm 11:3 ( if the foundation is destroyed, what can the righteous do).

_ make time for yourself and treat each other as a priority and the kids will be just fine 

_ let your kids observe that your spouse means the world to you and that if you are to choose between them and your spouse, it will always be your spouse.

_ Give the kids the love and attention they deserve but not at the cost of neglecting each other.

_It is your marriage that will sustain your kids, not vice-versa, the kids are just the bonus.

relationship/marriage.